Day 6

The Cincinnati/Kentucky airport Doubletree hotel is, in many ways, well-located. Short travel time to downtown Cinci; good connections to north/south Interstates; within easy reach, should time permit (which, alas, mine didn’t) during your stay, of an eye-opening visit to the Creation Museum in Petersburg, KY; and, of course, enviably close to the airport. In addition, the rooms are extremely comfortable, the staff are gracious, and the bar food is excellent (the wings and calamari are the pick of the litter). Oh, and the rates are pretty much unbeatable. Yes, in many ways the Cincinnati/Kentucky airport Doubletree hotel has much to recommend it. Much, that is, unless you’re looking for Eucharist on a Saturday morning.

The Cincinnati Convention Center is, in many ways, equally well-situated. Access is easy. The staff are courteous and helpful. If you’re a Bengals fan, the stadium is admirably close by. If you’re a Reds fan, you’re only a short and picturesque stroll away. If you want to gaze at the majesty of the Ohio River, or reflect on the wonders of human engineering that bridge it so impressively, you couldn’t be in a better spot. True, the concrete flooring of the exhibition halls are about as forgiving on the feet as…well…concrete flooring, but that’s the nature of the beast. Yes, in many ways the Cincinnati Convention Center has much to recommend it. Much, that is, unless you’re looking for Eucharist on a Saturday morning.

The sad truth is that, when it comes to trying to find a mouthful of leavened or unleavened Saviour washed down with a splash of Chateau Messiah, the Cincinnati/Kentucky airport Doubletree hotel and the Cincinnati Convention Center both…what’s the word I’m looking for?…Oh, yes. Suck.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not dissing Cincinnati. It’s a beautiful city – in that “Surprise! Here I am!” kind of way. It’s got lovely people, great restaurants, a fine art museum, views to die for, and you can feel like you’re in the South without actually having to go to the bother and inconvenience of leaving the North. Yes, in many, many ways Cincinnati has much, very much, to recommend it. Just don’t go there looking for Eucharist on a Saturday morning…or midday…or evening. Because, when it comes to Saturday Eucharist, Cincinnati and its environs are a bread and wine-free zone! Which is a…what’s the word I’m looking for?...Oh, yes. Bummer!

A good friend of mine who shall remain nameless (although he’s actually called Levi), suggested that at times like these I should consider by-passing the church and adopting the uber-Protestant option of a DIY consecration. I thought of that this morning as we were packing up the van before our last day at the MidWest Christian Homeschool Convention and the subsequent drive back to Sweet Home Chicago. The wine wasn’t a problem. There was, in our room, half a glass or so of Italian Vino Rosso Multo Ordinario left over from the night before that could have been pressed into service. The available bread, however, was less helpful. Among the many things that recommend the Cincinnati/Kentucky airport Doubletree hotel (indeed, as far as I am aware, recommend the entire Doubletree chain), is the fact that upon check-in you are presented with, in addition roomkeys and a warm and welcoming smile, an equally warm and welcoming complimentary chocolate chip cookie. A nice touch, I think you’ll agree, and there was, as luck would have it, at least a third of said cookie resting on the nightstand beside the potential DIY blood of Christ. It was, in short, a moment of decision.

And how bad, I reflected, could it be? Could I, unaided by ordained clergy, call down the Holy Spirit to perform the self-help option? Thomas Cranmer might not have approved. Martin Luther and John Calvin would have been yelling excommunicable support. Henry VIII couldn’t have cared less. And (whisper it quietly) I suspected that God probably had better things to worry about.

However, despite all these thoughts, I couldn’t do it. Blame foolish superstition. Blame my liturgically-based Church of England background. Blame the fact that, for reasons I cannot explain, the idea of (slightly stale) chocolate chip cookie Jesus just didn’t sit entirely comfortably with my idea of an exalted Godhead. Most of all, though, (and perhaps it’s just me) blame it on the fact that Doubletree hotel chocolate chip cookies – warm, welcoming, and delicious as they are – have a unfortunate tendency to go through my digestive system like a rat through a drainpipe. The results are, much like Eucharist, frequently moving…but not in the way I was looking for this Saturday morning.

So, Day 6 ends. No Eucharist today. 3 ½ out of 6.